Fish Sympathy Pt. I

A few weeks ago, K and I were walking to the train station to go visit a friend before Easter break, and somehow the conversation turned to fish. Unlike most people, who barbarously enjoy the slaughter of innocent fish on a regular basis, I am of a very different, very strong opinion.

First, let me set some context. I'm not fish-ophile by any stretch of the imagination.

I don't want to grab me a nice slimy, scaly, flopping aquatic creature and snuggle with it at night.

I wouldn't talk to a fish in that condescending baby-talk voice people use when they think something's cute.

I don't really even think that fish are all that cute.

I do, however, respect fish.

Fish are awesome. They do cool, oftentimes undervalued shit.

Can you stay underwater indefinitely? I didn't think so. And don't say you never wanted to, because as much as anyone's ever wanted to fly, if you've ever swam, you've wanted to breathe underwater.

Evolutionarily speaking, you might think that fish are underdeveloped creatures compared to people because they came first.

That's only partly true.

While amphibians and reptiles were busy making departure plans, the fish were all like: "Good luck adapting to that shit."

Fish simply didn't have to go anywhere. They knew what they were doing, and didn't need to prove nothin' to nobody by growing a pair...of legs.

And then, several millions of years later--or, if you're the fundamentalist type, a few days later--that little brown thing became us, and we decided that we had a hankering for our aquatic ancestors.

Now, we employ deceptive (and advanced) string-and-poorly-disguised-hook traps to trick and violently heave these innocent creatures out of the water where they will surely asphyxiate or meet an assortment of other grisly fates.

The scene opens on a fish, just minding his own business, doin' his thang, if you will.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THIS SPONTANEOUSLY HAPPENED TO YOU?

No. No, don't answer that just yet.

I'll tell you how you'd feel...
                                          ...IN PART II

Prepare to be force-fed a hearty helping of SYMPATHY!