BC Housing: Cry, Laugh--BELIEVE

Spring is often a time of rebirth and new beginnings.  Squirrels frolicking, snow melting, dandelions blooming, birds chirping--even your shit is gorgeous in the spring.  Unless, you are a student at Boston College.  Because then, you are in the midst of the housing process:  the midst of Hell.  

To successfully get the housing you want, students have to have a detailed formula as to how they will make their housing groups.  Here is an example of a failed housing formula:

   

You can't just rely on your mathematic skills. No, nothing can save you from the ruthlessly "fair," "random" methods of ResLife.

You need to get humble. Fast.

You need to get on your knees, fold your hands, and bow down to any and all respectable god-like characters.  Here's a few to choose from if you are undecided:

Feel free to pick more than one. It's always a good idea to cover your bases.

So now that your pick time has been divinely ensured, today's the first day for 8-mans, and you're totally going to get one.

It's time to go on Agora, and get shit done.

The seemingly innocent main page of Agora.

Aaahhh... they call it 'My ResLife.'  How cute!

Shit.  Another button? "I got a complicated order!"

Okay... hit Application...

MmmmHmmmm...I got this all figured out!

At this point, you should be concerned that the message is written in blood.

Uhhh...

I guess so. Yes!

Am I? Am I really ready to make this decision?

I'm too passive to make decisions on my own! Why the fuck did they make me group leader?!

Fuck.  Ok, I have to say yes.

Dude, your snot is radioactive.

But, but, but, but, but, but... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And you know what rhymes with "No"?

Co Ro.

Thinking that you can somehow morph your face into the likeness of the obscenely pitiful cat from Shrek, you prepare a million excuses about why you didn't get the housing you wanted.

Maybe my cute, innocent eyes will appeal to ResLife.

All the while a seething hatred for those shouting joyfully around you tackles your mood with the speed and force of a hobo pouncing on a ham sandwich.

You spiral into an immobilizing depression.

Emo statuses. Emo statuses EVERYWHERE.

Some people try to pretend that they're ok with their fate, hastily scrambling to make a "cool inside joke" out of the meaningless pile of shit their lives have become.

Some may deny this, trying to convince you that they're excited.

No.

You're not excited.

You're hiding behind the internet so people can't see your tears.

Trust me, I live on Newton. I know this game.

And then, just when you're about to check ResLife one more time just to see if it was all one big, not-funny, totally douchey, skank hoe of a joke, this happens:

Fuck you Agora!

You just can't catch a break.

Given some time to hoist yourself back into functionality, you remember that the 4-mans are tomorrow. You and your group have split in half, and all's good, right? 

Wrong. 

You've got the luck of an old cat lady with 48 black cats.

Because 1 big cat stands for 47 smaller cats...

Whose social security checks stopped coming.

You don't get a 4-man either.

Now things are getting dicey. You need to find 2 more people you can tolerate before tomorrow.

Good thing you're popular...LOL jk, you're a complete shut in. 

For those of you who need some assistance, you can go on the extremely long and arduous journey through the desert of Facebook and Agora to find your soulmate! Large bribes, promises of doing laundry, and bff status usually helps.

 

And now you're ready for your 6-man!

But no, you? You're on a roll. 

You're bad luck's bestie. How silly of you to think that you'd get a pick time.

This time, the pain is almost too much to bear. At first, the prospect of Co Ro was in a dark corner of your mind. Now, with the traditional housing rounds tomorrow, it's on stage, doing eye-catching, captivating things like being way too close to tigers and making them do tricks. 

Brief, three-frame .gif images of suicide flash through your mind...

But you pull through. You stay strong.

And good for you, you'll need to stay that way, because you got College Road.

And he's so excited to have you.

"College Road...Take me home,

To the place, 

I belong."

-K & D