I'd Be Pissed If I Were Kleobis and Biton...But I'd Also Be Dead.

I'll just preface this by saying that Kleobis and Biton were the ancient-original B.AM.F's who suffered the ultimate consequence for their mother's fatally ambiguous wording. Ok, maybe Prometheus came first, but either way, they were pretty damn boss.


They were a pair of Ancient Greek twins whose mother was one of those non-chill priestesses. Long, interesting-only-if-you're-a-Classics-person story short, they're taking a cute family drive to the temple for a big religious festival. Why their mom needs to make an ancient commute to work is beyond me, but the important thing is, somewhere on the long, arduous journey to the temple, their horse kicks the bucket.

Truly an FML moment for the ages.

What are they going to do? The gods are going to be pissed; the people are going to be pissed; everyone's going to be straight trippin'.

Enter Kleobis and Biton, who are apparently so jacked that together, they strap themselves into the horse's harness, and haul ass to the temple. They get there with time to spare and receive a hero's welcome.

Don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like them?

The End, right? Wrong.

Their mom, thinking that she's going to use her priestessliness to treat her sons to some awesome godly giftage , asks the gods to give her sons "the best thing man can get."

As typical with any message sent to a (celestial) celebrity, you get a return email thanking you for your interest, and you go about your day with your fingers crossed that the message truly went all the way to Santa Claus.

Everyone's happy. They feast. They drink. They drink some more. They do religious things. They feast some more. Need I say they drank again? Everyone goes to sleep.

Everyone wakes up except Kleobis and Biton...and that guy who everyone expected to croak soon anyways.

What the hell happened? Did they die from exhaustion? Alcohol poisoning?

Nope.

The gods just killed them because "the best thing a man can get" is to die young, in glory, and in your sleep.

What the fuck?

No.

I already have the ability to die whenever I want.

The best thing a man can get? I don't know. Wings?

Laser vision?

Wing-mounted laser cannons?

Just not dying when I thought I had my whole life ahead of me.

What if they had dreams? What if Kleobis wanted to be a cowboy and Biton wanted to be a professional Yahtzee player?

They'll never get that chance.

Way to go, Mom. Thanks, thanks a lot.

D