Right in the Facebook.

So you find a blog you like. It’s witty, full of social commentary, and crude drawings that make you feel better about yourself. Then, there’s a little bit of a slowdown. Understandable really, I mean the people doing all the work have lives, right? But then it get’s worse as their will and time begin to wane. Eventually, all their posts basically amount to “updates” where they tell you “omg we’re trying but we’re so busy I'M SORRY please still love ussssss.” They need more content, and fast. So what do they do? They hire a new writer. Someone they hand pick. Someone with talent, social standing, and someone who won’t completely dismantle all their hard work. That was almost the case here.

D (talking to K): …and we can probably get one or two people to help us with Fitz…

Me (in the chat room): AAAH LET ME DO SOMETHING NO SERIOUSLY I CAN HELP I CAN DO A GUEST POOOOOOST!!!

D: …Well alright.

So, here I am. It’s not even that much of a change. P is sort of like D. It’s like D with a tail. Not that I have a tail or anything.

…

Right.

Moving on.

The real reason D and K have let me breach the secure gates that protect the most holy FGC is the fact that I have… *drumroll*

MINOR ARTISTIC ABILITY.

CHECK OUT THIS THING:

Alrighty. Well that’s all I can think of for an intro. You get the gist of what’s going on. So now we can get to the topic at hand: facebook.

Yes, facebook. The website that’s really more like meth than a website. The website that I literally just checked mid-sentence because I wrote “facebook” and remembered I had a message, and hoped someone had commented on my status. We’ve been almost perfectly conditioned. Pavlov would be proud.

Scary. And adorable.

It’s actually amazing how much information we will voluntarily put out there, just to have a pretty facebook page. I know I’ve filled out a field or two just because I didn’t want the empty space on my info tab.

*Disclaimer: Not a real facebook page.

Of course, you can be smart about it, too. You can have privacy settings and all that jazz to digitally bitch-slap a rapist who happens to be searching for potentials. But this leads to the other big problem with facebook: people you designate can see your profile. And all your friends are on facebook, putting all their info out there. Info you can see at any time. Even the friends you don’t know very well.

And that’s creepy.

Now, I wouldn’t say it’s creepy to have access to, say, your best friend’s info. That’s fine. It’s not even that bad for your main group of friends. It’s more when facebook picks some rando you haven’t seen in 5 years and plasters them on your window, informing you of this grand injustice. 

So begins the facebook stalking. It’s so easy, isn’t it? “Yknow, facebook, you’re right. I HAVEN’T seen Steve in a while. I’m sure he’s out of prison by now.” Oh wow, he plays basketball, isn’t that great?? He went bowling for his birthday 6 months ago and has “gov3rnm3nt iz stoopid" under his political views. Amazing. Oh, he likes Scrubs! I should call him and talk about the season finale.

Even worse is when you just meet someone, friend them the same day, and almost inadvertently have all this info about them you shouldn’t. The next meeting is a little weird.

You didn’t MEAN to scroll through every album they’re tagged in since 2^nd grade, it just happened!

And if left unchecked, the stalking can escalate. How many times have you been on a friend’s page and seen the list of THEIR friends, winking at you from the sidebar?

 So you click one. Just this one person. This person you don’t know. Oh look! Friends of friends can see a limited profile! This guy’s profile pictures are funny, I’m sure I’d like him. Aw, he got sick today! I’ll ask how he’s doing next time I see What’s-His-Face.  OH! I can see HIS friends, too!

And so it goes. All of a sudden three hours are gone and you don’t know where they went. And if anything slips and you mention something about THAT GUY YOU’VE NEVER MET in conversation, it doesn’t go over so well.

But probably the worst thing about this entire system is that it is passable. It is socially acceptable to facebook stalk. How did I know about that test you didn’t tell me about? Just giggle a bit and say “I might’ve stalked your facebook a bit last night,” or even more passively, “Oh, it just showed up on my newsfeed,” and bam. No longer creepy. It’s like a free pass. No restraining order or anything!

It’s even a little flattering, isn’t it? It’s kind of nice when someone was looking at your facebook and decided to mention it when they see you, either on or offline. It’s like you’re putting a little show on for everyone, only weirder.


We’ve voluntarily relinquished any notion of privacy, simply for the fact that we want others to be aware of all the things we once considered private. If nothing else, it’s good for some good one liners. And honestly, if our friendship becomes facebook official and your profile is lacking, I’m going to judge you. Just a little bit.

And it’s not like there’s anything to do about it now. Facebook has become a necessity, whether you need to check info about a movie that’s coming out, or planning a get together with old classmates, or even promoting your favorite blog! The damage that’s been done is irreparable, and I find myself constantly scribbling down my every witty thought, only to look back a week later and realize how unfunny I am. And I’d say we have to live with our choices, but it’s really not so bad, is it? I mean, sure it sucks time like no tomorrow, but facebook has a lot of up-sides. They’re just not very funny, either.

So there you have it! I hope my first attempt at this wasn’t too hideous. Don’t take my presence here as a sure sign that Fitzy is failing, so much as a sure sign I was bored on the bus.

Now I’m gonna go play some Robot Unicorn Attack.

P