Have you ever just been thirsty...for souls? I am, almost every waking moment now, thanks to Pat.
No, he didn't kill me, turn me into a vampire, kill me again, only to have me be resurrected by a giant, divine, megalomaniac octopus into a devourer of souls (any Legacy of Kain fans? No? Oh...).
No, my rise to soul-thirstiness began shortly after Pat got his copy of Dark souls. I had been dragged to a surprise midnight release of the game (and there were some, shall we say "characters" there that evening--and I don't exclude Pat, K, or I from that) and was practically emitting microwave radiation with anticipation. What was so special about this game?!
Since I'd just spent roughly 4 hours killing time (eating a ton) in the chilly, drizzling weather without a jacket, I had pretty high expectations for this game.
Finally we get back to Pat's room and he begins to play. I switch on Final Fantasy X (which Pat had just recently beaten entirely for the first time...I was just feeling nostalgic) because, God damn it, I have a boss to beat!
My frustration builds as my under-leveled characters defy me by dying repeatedly when the boss has like 1,000 HP (not much, considering he starts with like 18,000) left. More and more my gaze shifts over to Pat's TV.
It looks like he's playing a very high resolution and somewhat glossy-looking remake of a 90's dungeon crawler, with seemingly no storyline and even less explanation as to the motivations behind your every movement.
He picked the "Knight" class, initially, like an overzealous idiot, but quickly learned that there was no hope and that and shortly thereafter (after much cajoling from your's truly) switched to a far more badass sorcerer.
He'd learned the art of shooting mystical blue projectiles at his enemies and as he began to suck less, I began to want this game myself. I wanted to kill zombies and giant, winged, axe-wielding Minotaurs with axes for tails, ring bells, and uh, well...that was really all that was advertised for the story at that point.
Literally: "When you ring the two Bells of Awakening, something will happen." Fucking frustrating, but really goddamn mystifying.
So when K says she's making a trip to Gamestop to buy a game for herself, I flew to the ATM and stuffed $60 in her face and screamed "GET ME DARK SOULS NAOOOOOOO."
In hindsight, this turned out to be a terrible, terrible life decision that has grown to consume my existence, numerically qualifying achievement in terms of what I can and can't do with an absurdly high number of souls.
Flash forward two weeks, and I'm only just now taking the time to finish this post that I started way back when I was but a wee Pyromancer back in the Undead Asylum.
Now, I'm that guy who goes around one-shotting most enemies with a sneeze-like gesture, flames erupting from my outstretched hands. A class act level 101 crazy-ass pyromaniac shuffling around in what appear to be robes stolen from Death himself, with a giant Scythe to match.
Fireballs? I've got three types, each of them bigger than the last, and you best believe that I'm making that into an innuendo. And when I'm not lobbing fireballs to immolate the poor unfortunate souls (haha) I come across, I'm jettisoning sexy blue soul spears from a severed demon arm.
I've rung two bells, killed a giant lava beast somewhat-inappropriately named "Ceaseless Discharge," pwned 4 creepy ghost Kings, walked on lava to try to kill a gigantic tree, decimated scores of ceaselessly regenerating skeleton swordsmen, mauled a giant wolf with a sword in its mouth, slaughtered a topless-half-woman-half-spider lady, braved Sen's Fortress, dismembered various elemental golems, beheaded a tremendously powerful hydra, turned into various "inconspicuous" objects and tried to sneak past enemies, and DIED. SO MANY TIMES.
You'll never die more times than you will in this game, and somehow, I've only rage-quit'd about twice. This game is scary. Part of me wants to tell you not to get it, never to see it, never to play it. The other part of me, the part that the game has taken over, told me to tell you to GET THE GAME, AND PLAY IT UNTIL YOUR EYES BLEED.
I can't figure out where my allegiance is.
I'm scared of this game, but if I don't finish it, I will die an unbearably unaccomplished and horribly guilty man--nay, but a boy.
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