6 Reasons I Feel Like I Might Be The Anti-Christ

One of the things I want to do in life is help make the world less of a crappy place, but as noble a goal as that may be, there are just some times when I can't help but feel that my life is going to take a bizarre turn for the worse.

Now I've got a few vices, like everyone does. I'd like to think that they didn't make me a terrible person, but, the funny thing about the ultimate evil is...

Come give Auntie Satan a Kiss!

...it likes to wear fashionable hats.

The thing is, what if I just don't know that I'M the one wearing a fashionable hat over a scalp made of unadulterated malevolence?

Disclaimer: I'm not that hot.

What if I'm the Anti-Christ and I don't even know it?
Like...Sharon in the first season of Battlestar Galactica not knowing that she was really a Cylon (SPOILER ALERT).

Suffice it to say, I've had my worries for a long time.

Let me enumerate them for you:

1. Susceptibility To Temptation

First of all, I'm prone to awful bouts of temptation...and subsequently yielding to even the most duplicitous of promises--like that time Darth Vader persuaded me to cross over to the Dark Side.

2. I Missed The Rapture

Another thing that gets me is the Rapture. I'M STILL HERE. Granted, I don't know of anyone who WAS whisked away, but being on Earth after it happened means I'm not NOT the Anti-Christ. And I found out about it in the most inconvenient way.

I know that pamphlet I picked up in New York City said I shouldn't panic, but this is some serious shit.


3. People Sometimes Commit Suicide In My Name...En Masse.

To get the reference...Click This

It didn't make the news because all the reporters on the scene were mysteriously compelled to strangle themselves with microphone cords and assorted camera wiring.

4. My Entrepreneurial Ideas

And then, there's my whole plan to help the world by making an integrated credit card slot that you can either attach comfortably to your right hand or forehead. Some people might call it suspicious...I call it genius. Soon enough, you'll be barred from all commerce without one! It practically sells itself!

5. My Subsequent Political Ambitions

The success of the credit card slot will be so great, and will have such an irreparable impact on humanity that I'll be swept into a position of universal leadership with an excessively long title: Supreme-Leader-Divine-Czar-President-King-Warlord-Emperor-CEO (SLDCPKWECEO, for short).

And my first act will be one of unparalleled magnanimity--a minimum of 7 year's peace between all nations.

At my foreign-financed private island.

6. A Short Attention Span

But, if I know myself...that'll REALLY be the beginning of the end, because there's no way any sane politician would follow through on a promise THAT big.

Boredom sets in.

And then it'll all unfold like it says in that Bible-thingamajiggy.

Burrrrrrrp...

Carnage

With some luck though, a rogue group of powerful, crazy-fuck gene-splicers will have preemptively decided to build an underwater utopia/distopia to escape the scrutiny of religious nuts everywhere, and by neglecting the Christian doomsday prophecies altogether, have ideologically spared themselves annihilation.

It's a long shot, for sure, but then again, so is the likelihood that I'm the Anti-Christ.

In any case, I sure as hell won't be looking for them at the bottom of the ocean.

7. Too Lazy

D